| Haha. |
[Oct. 16th, 2005|09:18 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  getting it out. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | hum. | ] |
...way to go for stubby, ugly guys Sarah, really...he's smaller than I am, for Buddha's sake!!...and twitchy (but really, his short limbs are what stuck out to me - just like Tommy)...and, well, he's just an unattractive douchebag - end of story, but you seem to specialize in that kind of guy recently...there's not much to him, but that's probably how you want it right now...I thought it was really funny how he was trying to appear threatening with his little stencil knife...with his silly "punk rock" hair - god what a fag (and no, not in a gay sense, just a schmuck sense)...Ha, remember how, oh about three months before we broke up, you told me that guys like that make you sick?..How it was immature and that their image was a joke and you'd never be involved with anyone like that, could never love someone that retarded?..Yeah, I figured you forgot...Or maybe you didn't...maybe that's why your mind keeps turning back to me and wishing that whichever guy you're with at the moment will start doing stuff like I did...maybe you were starting to get bored already, and that's why you came to me at 2 in the morning - to feel what true love is like...I seriously don't know what goes on in your head sometimes, but it frustrates the hell out of me...and I know you've now told a bunch of people a lot of CRAZY stuff...people that you know are gossipy and dramatic and so out of the loop and dense that they believe your lies...your whole made up pathological lie world...that's the thing I don't get - when did lying become second nature for you?..when you come to see me on campus, DO NOT tell whomever that I just showed up out of nowhere while you were walking your dog (hmm, that WHO got out of the pound a day before she went up for adoption and you were charged and arrested for abandonment?) and would not leave you alone - that is pure bullshit...they are going to catch on to you, though, and you'll eventually piss them off to the point that they'll start trashing you behind your back and want to have nothing to do with you...ha - like some of them already do now...that's why they call me up out of the blue and ask me what the fuck's wrong with you!!..I'm not going to pretend like everything is alright with you, even though that's what you want...you want to be able to come around an hang out and act like nothing ever happened...I can do that, I can forget and forgive the past, but I can't do it when you are continuing to fuck up your life...I won't sit by and watch you turn into your mom and pretend like nothing is happening...Wanna see how much those other guys care about you?..How many of them have really tried to get you to go back to school?..How many of them say 'No, let's NOT drink or smoke pot anymore, or go to some pointless stupid party or bar, and let's start getting our shit together'?...How many?..What - NONE OF THEM?..Well, that's how much they care about you Sarah - I respect you enough to want YOU to make yourself a better person...you weren't just my fuckbuddy or warm body or crush of the month...you weren't my bestfriend, either - you were my lover, the love of my life, the person I wanted to grow old with...How many of the guys you have been with are willing to say that about you?..Would you say that about any of THEM?..Didn't think so...I don't know what else to say...I think about you every day, and I worry, but hell - you reap what you sow...Don't come back to me when you are fucked up and have nowhere else to go...Don't come back and do the things that confuse me and make me think you still really love me...Come back to me when you want to do it for me and when you're strong (and single), and when you really, truly want a better life and want to get out of here...I'm sorry for everything - sorry that I continue to piss you off (as I will as long as you keep up the lies and stupidity), sorry I'm not a sucker anymore, sorry you won't get to see my puppy and play with him, sorry we won't have Christmas this year, sorry that you're stuck in some fucked up, self-destroying 'fun' mode that leaves you feeling empty every night you fall asleep...that always takes you back to me, and reminds you what you continually take for granted...I'm done, I have nothing more to say on the subject... |
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takatak777's journal
