| 'Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are, "It might have been."' |
[Jan. 17th, 2005|10:42 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sad but hopeful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | No Distance Left to Run - Blur | ] |
Ready for a fastball? So, boys and girls, this is the official story, in black and white: Two weeks ago I broke into HER apartment, when she wasnae there, in order to retrieve MY stuff (items that were mine, not items that I had given to her as gifts and such). The cops came knocking as I was trying to fix the doorjamb, after I had swept up the mess on the kitchen floor. With four guns in my face I was arrested for breaking and entering, and attempted theft of property. I spent roughly 22 hours in jail - 2 handcuffed to a stout wooden bench, 3 in a holding cell waiting to be booked, and 17 in the actual jail community. I was armed with nothing more than a mat to sleep on, a blanket, two rolls of TP, my orange "shower shoes", a battered copy of Cat's Cradle, and an outfit awash in Tim Burton's favorite color scheme. I arrived at around 3ish(?) in the morning - so everyone was out cold - and proceeded to pick a corner and give myself up to sleep. So how does one come to this? Why did I do what I did? For some, the answer is easy to understand (as they have been there before), for others it's incomprehensible. I think she knows why this happened, because she understands me all too well, and she knows (somewhere deep inside) that her actions were going to hurt me eventually. Right now, I can say with all honesty that, besides the split second I actually used my forearm to force the deadbolt to seperate from the wall, I was never all that angry. Just hurt, and wanting to make a clean break (that she wouldn't let me have) from her. It's funny - three days before and we are watching movies and eating spaghetti, I'm putting together cheap Danish furniture for her, we're sleeping in the same bed at night (as friends, but we both know it was more than that - neither one of us sleeps that well when the other is not there). She was about to give me a copy of her car key, and it was only a matter of time before she gave me a KEY to her apartment...and then later, after a few 'discoveries', I am ready to never see her again (though I know this isnae true in the back of my mind), ready to get MY stuff (right then) and go on with MY life, still trying to tell myself that 3 years of my life with her was not a waste (I KNOW it wasn't, but you've gotta ask yourself the question), still trying to forget those near-perfect times on Crystal Beach and Galveston stretched out over two summers. After all this turmoil somehow ended up landing me in the ironhouse, and no matter what my friends say, what her friends and family are probably saying to her, I cannot find it in my heart to hate her, or be angry with her in any meaningful way. Well, I am a little miffed at her lack of truthfulness, and I still don't know why she didn't just tell me her feelings for the truly bland dork she has her sights on right now. Just because someone's from overseas doesn't mean they aren't like every other nerdy schmo at the end o' the day, but she'll realize this once she goes over there and starts comparing him to 'you-know-who' - I mean, I'm a nerd, but at least I exude some sense of masculinity and...umm, interest. Oh well, enough of that..So, was it out of crude id selfishness, or immature naivety, the reason she didn't tell me? Was she trying not to hurt my feelings by compounding the situation with truly bad decisions involving secrecy and truckloads of little white lies that pierce more than the blunt trauma of the truth? Yeah, I would have been a little upset if she'd been up front with everything, would have gone away for a while, but we could have still been friends (or more) in the future. Oh well, she'll probably never see this, but it's good catharsis to get it out..now...Now I just want everything to blow over like a bad storm...Let time stitch everything up somewhat cleanly. I'm sorry that it scared her (the B&E), but she knows that she was never in any danger from me (at least, I hope she realizes this now) - that's one reason I did it while she wasn't there, and I'm doubly sorry that it pissed her off (as she's an emotional sort as well...and young, and it was an asshole thing I did). I know right now that she will be prone to take the advice of those immediately around her, that she will pull them towards her for support, and that they will fill her head with fear and anger, but I also know that she will take the time (when she's alone, playing with her cats) to think this over, to think ME over, and hopefully forgive my...umm...comically BAD attempt at property reclaimation (is that even a word?). Maybe one day we'll be able to talk it over, after she kicks me in the "texticles", or punches me in the nose, during coffee and hot chocolate. I'll listen to her berate me for my stupidity all night, and I will forgive the discrepancies of her 19-year-old mind in favor of peace, and the ability to make her laugh again, to let her know that I will ALWAYS take care of her when she's in need - she knows I am the best person in the world at doing that. It's funny, when you are young you want something new all the time - new people, new experiences, anything to keep life from growing stale that minute - but as you get older, though you never want to stop growing inside, you start to want someone that knows you almost as well as you know yourself, someone that can tell what you are thinking without anything more than a sideways expression, someone that will take care to hold your hair when you are sick over the toilet, draw sweet nothings on your back, or listen to you babble on relentlessly about your "babies." So, she will go have her fun, and I will go have mine, but hopefully we'll always leave the door open for each other to come back when the week has been bad, or the day has been long. Or we may never speak again, in which case I become sad, but realize that sometimes these things happen...We have (through liasons) exchanged the last of each other's items (that I know of), but she still lingers around here in various shapes and shadows - though it seems easier now than it was 6 months ago when we ended our, hmm, intimate relationship. There's more to write next time, and that will be the last of this subject, but for today I am putting a cap on it. I know this is a bit of a downer way to start, but things are actually looking up. School starts tomorrow, I've met some new people, and gotten in touch with some ooolllldddd friends, and generally seem to have everything back on track. Just have to wait and see what happens with the court system...It will pass, though, and I'll be free to do whatever I wish with this world. The West coast is looking mighty tempting these days...as is that trip to Tokyo and Europe....Z. |
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